Insayne

The Book of the Gilmore Girls Hilarious Lines

Lorelai: Oh, but I got here early and there was nothing to do except feed gummy bears to the bomb-sniffing dogs which, apparently, the United States government frowns upon.

Rory: You got in trouble with the government while you were waiting for me?

Lorelai: Just a little.

Rory: How much is a little?

Lorelai: Learn Russian.

Rory: Do something to make me hate you!

Lorelai: Um, go Hitler?

Sookie: Okay, here we go. Low fat, whole wheat blueberry pancakes.

Michel: Are there 12?

Sookie: 12 what?

Michel: Blueberries. I can only have 12 blueberries for breakfast.

Sookie: Or what?

Michel: What do you mean, or what?

Sookie: What happens if you eat 13 blueberries?

Michel: This is a silly conversation.

Sookie: Would you die?

Michel: Just hand me the plate.

Sookie: Only if you don't count.

Michel: I won't count.

Sookie: Swear. Raise your right hand and say, 'May Destiny's Child break up if I count these blueberries.'

Michel: *raises his hand* ...Pick another group.

Sookie: Nope.

Michel: *slams hand down* I hate you! Hate you!

Luke: Get out, Taylor.

Taylor: Why?

Luke: It's just a code I live by.

Lorelai: Can I use the fun cutter thingy?

Luke: Not if you call it the fun cutter thingy.

Lorelai: Please?

Luke: Cut the boxes, not your hands.

Lorelai: Good tip, you should teach!

Lorelai: My shoe broke! I need you to fix it!

Luke: Do I look like a cobbler to you?

Lorelai: If I say yes, will you fix it?

(Luke won't give out free coffee at the dance marathon)

Taylor: You would knock the crutch out from under Tiny Tim, wouldn't you?

Luke: If he asked for a free cup of coffee, Gimpy's goin' down!

(regarding Lorelai's birthday party)

Rory: Oh, I'm sorry. You wanted a party? I told everyone you didn't want to make a big deal out of your birthday this year.

Lorelai: You're not funny.

Rory: Ms. Patty and Babette wanted to hire these two hot guys to carry you around all day and feed you Bon-Bons, and Kirk wanted to hire the Red Hot Chili Peppers to play a concert in the square, but I said "Hey, please, respect the lady's wishes. She deserves that at her age."

Lorelai: Why are you so cruel to mama?

Rory: I have to go.

Lorelai: Where?

Rory: None of your business.

Lorelai: You are planning something for Friday night, aren't you?

Rory: I'll bring back Chinese for dinner.

Lorelai: And you tell people, no matter what they say, I just couldn't accept a new car. It would be beneath me and I would be completely humiliated. And a convertible would just make me fling myself off a building!

Rory: Bye.

Rory: So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal?

Lorelai: Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbra Streisand will give her final concert... again.

Rory: Uh-huh.

Lorelai: Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips.

Rory: You ask a simple question...

Emily: You were on the phone?

Richard: Long distance.

Lorelai: God?

Richard: London.

Lorelai: God lives in London?

Richard: My mother lives in London.

Lorelai: Your mother is God?

Richard: Lorelai...

Lorelai: So, God is a woman.

Richard: Lorelai.

Lorelai: And a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors.

Richard: Make her stop.

Luke: We're out of food.

Lorelai: Oh, please, we're not eating for a year.

Rory: Or 'til tomorrow morning.

Lorelai: Whichever comes first.

Emily: What is that?

Lorelai: It's a paper clip.

Emily: And what do you intend to do with that paper clip?

Lorelai: I intend to carve something really dirty into the bathroom door.

Emily: Lorelai.

Lorelai: What rhymes with Nantucket?

Luke: Why can't you respect the rules of my diner?

Lorelai: I do respect the rules of your diner. It's that baseball cap I have issues with.

Lorelai: Come on, Rory. We will be going to dinner there next week and every week for the rest of our lives. And I mean the rest of our lives, because my parents will outlive us. The Damned can do that.

Rory: (Paris suddenly appears in front of Rory) God, you're like a pop-up book from hell!

Kirk: Luke, where's your lost and found?

Luke: Out back in the dumpster.

Lorelai: Hey. Anywhere?

Luke: Anywhere.

Lorelai: to customer at table Hm, would you mind moving?

Luke: I hate when you do that.

Lorelai: It's my showstopper.

Rory: Grandma, I can't believe you found the recipe for Beefaroni.

Emily: It wasn't easy. Antonia thought I'd gone insane.

Lorelai: Well...

Emily: No one needs a comment from you.

Lorelai: Boy they keep making that ketchup slower and slower, huh?

Luke: It's the Heinz family's little joke.

Lorelai: Can I ask you stupid questions?

Luke: There's no such thing.

Lorelai: How does ink come out of pens?

Luke: All right, there is such a thing.

Lorelai: Hey, how many margaritas is too many margaritas?

Rory: Um, if you can't remember where the living room is.

Lorelai: Ha ha, I'm still good.

Lorelai: Do you know how to make coffee?

Christopher: Yes, I do.

Lorelai: My coffee?

Christopher: One bag of coffee per cup of water, right?

Lorelai: Perfect.

Louise: Did you take a picture?

Paris: No, Louise, I did not take a picture. I was a little busy trying to get air to my brain cells, a burden you've not yet faced.

Lorelai: *walking into Luke's diner* Give me a burger, onion rings, cheese fries, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I'm lookin' for some heroes.

Lorelai: My mother - she was here. I can feel it.

Rory: Grandma hasn't been here.

Lorelai: Smell that?

Rory: Smell what?

Lorelai: The room - it smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5

Lorelai: Well, I can't take it back to Yale.

Luke: I'm not storing your microbe mattress, forget it.

Lorelai: Well, then I'm stuck here.

Luke: Fine, because I need my truck back.

Lorelai: Fine, but that leaves you with the mattress.

Luke: I'm not taking the mattress.

Lorelai: Then let me take the truck.

Luke: But that means you take the mattress.

Lorelai: I can't take the mattress.

Luke: Then you can't have the truck.

Lorelai: But that sticks you with the mattress.

Luke: If you take the truck, it comes with the mattress.

Lorelai: I can't take the mattress.

Luke: Then you can't have the truck.

Lorelai: And that sticks you with the mattress.

Luke: We've been here before.

Lorelai: I recognize that tree.

Rory: If we were caught smuggling hash over the border and we were thrown in some Turkish prison, wouldn't you want someone to know that we were in Turkey?

Lorelai: Where'd we get this hash we were smuggling?

Rory: You were at a cafe, you met a guy, he was sweet-talking you, he put the stuff in your purse when you weren't looking.

Lorelai: At least tell me he was cute.

Rory: He was not bad for a hash dealer.

Lorelai: She's making cocoa 'cause you gave her an itinerary.

Rory: I may have given her the itinerary, but you're the one who got us busted for drug smuggling.

Lorelai: Reality has absolutely no place in our world.

(Kirk is planning the annual Stars Hollow Firelight Festival)

Kirk: After we light the bonfire, the dancers should come through.

Miss Patty: Okay, Kirk.

Kirk: They'll circle the gazebo. Jazz hands, jazz hands, jazz hands. Then out come the flaming batons.

Miss Patty: That sounds good, Kirk.

Kirk: Are you ignoring me?

Miss Patty: Since you were old enough to walk, Kirk.

Lorelai: I'm going to make out in the coatroom. Don't eat my chicken.

Rory: That's going on your tombstone.

(after Lorelai is awoken by Luke�s hammer pounding)

Lorelai: Luke, we sleep around here. Okay, we like it. It makes us pretty and keeps us from killing our crazy friends.

Lorelai: (entering church) Would it kill God to dust?

Rory: playing a video game Where'd I go?

Lane: I don't know!

Rory: What' d I do?

Lane: I don't know!

Rory: the video game makes an explosion noise Did I lose?

Lane: Well, you have no head, so I would say yes.

Lorelai: So, where are you now?

Luke: I'm about 10 minutes from If-I-lived-here-I'd-blow-my-brains-out.

Lorelai: Ah yes, I hear it's lovely there.

Lorelai: Hey, I should bring steak sauce, right?

Rory: For what?

Lorelai: Pizza

Rory: I just got back from Italy.

Lorelai: So?

Rory: So they'd shoot you in Italy for that.

Lorelai: Ah, but this is America, where we unapologetically bastardize other countries' cultures in a gross quest for moral and military supremacy.

Rory: I forgot. Bring on the imperialistic condiments.

(Lorelai is rejoicing over being able to go down to Luke's diner and get pie whenever she wants)

Lorelai: Oh, it's heaven! One quick trip downstairs and I have all the treats I want. You're like Willy Wonka but hotter.

Luke: I am not hotter than Willy Wonka.

Lorelai: Slap on a purple top hat and you're close.

Lorelai: (on the phone) Oh, you know what? I have someone standing abnormally close to me right now. I'll call you later.

Rory: Okay, say hi to Kirk for me.

Customer: I've been waiting for 10 minutes!

Luke: Sorry, not even close to the record.

(Miss Patty's ballerinas are practicing walking around with books on their heads)

Miss Patty: Now, walk smooth. That's the new Harry Potter on your heads. If they should drop, Harry will die, and there won't be anymore books.

Lorelai: Are you two completely out of your mind? There is a ceremony going on in there. Young girls in ugly dresses and stupid fans are parading around in circles for God knows what reason, and you two are ruining it.

Paris: Sick people freak me out.

Rory: You're pre-med!

Michel: Every day that you breathe you make my life harder.

(Lorelai and Rory haven't seen each other in a while because of their busy schedules, and are talking on the phone about it)

Lorelai: I'm mad and needy, and I ended up going out to dinner alone with my parents, who bickered the whole time about which Beatle is alive and which is dead.

Rory: So, where'd they land?

Lorelai: John and Keith are dead. Paul and Bingo are still kicking.

Richard: Lorelai?

Lorelai: Yes, Dad?

Richard: May I speak to you for a moment?

Michel: (under his breath; in a sing-song voice) Someone is in trouble.

Michel: Your mother is on the phone.

Lorelai: Oh, can you take a message?

Michel: You mean, do I have the physical and mental capabilities to take a message? Why, yes, I do, however...

Lorelai: I got it. *takes the phone* Hey Mom.

Richard: Rory! Who's your friend?

Rory: I don't know, but this is Tristan.

Luke: She's not here yet.

Lorelai: Alright. Well, you'll have to entertain me until she arrives. Okay, Burgerboy! Dance!

Luke: Will you marry me?

Lorelai: *stares agasp* What?

Luke: Just...looking for something to shut you up.

Rory: Mom's famous for her blowouts.

Lorelai: The best one was her eighth birthday.

Rory: Oh yeah, that was good.

Lorelai: The cops shut us down.

Luke: The cops shut down an eight year old's birthday party?

Rory: And arrested the clown.

Emily: You know, you could get a maid in here once a week to at least tidy the place up.

Lorelai: I like it cluttered.

Emily: You can't even find the bed.

Lorelai: Yes I can. It's the thing I crash into on the way to the closet.

Lorelai: Oh, hey, Rory's birthday party is this Saturday night so start thinking up reasons why you can't come.

Michel: I'm going to be out of town.

Lorelai: Ooh, you used that one last year.

Michel: I'll work on it and get back to you.

Lorelai: 7:00, presents mandatory.

Rory: I'll be back in plenty of time to help you decorate.

Lorelai: No, this is your party. You do not work. You lounge and mock those who are. Have I taught you nothing?

Rory: Sorry, I'll try to be better...

(Jess is putting gel in his hair)

Luke: Do you ever worry that if a bird flies into your head it might never get out?

Jess: I've got everything under control.

Richard: Well, I have something for you. *places an envelope on the table*

Lorelai: Is it a hat?

Richard: No.

Lorelai: Is it a purse?

Richard: No.

Lorelai: Horse?

Richard: Lorelai.

Lorelai: George Foreman Grill?

Jackson: What do you think you�re doing?

Rory: (while wheeling a giant cart of stacks of soda cans) Oh, well, I�m trying to transport all the sodas for the party in one trip, which seemed a little silly when I first come up with the idea and it�s rapidly growing in its stupidity.

Taylor: I�m not talking to you.

Luke: It�s my lucky day.

Lorelai: The paint�s chipped in the archway, and there�s a board loose in the entryway. Ooh, and the chimney needs to be swept.

Rory: Mom.

Lorelai: What?

Rory: Luke cannot sweep our chimney.

Lorelai: Why not?

Rory: Because you need to be a chimney sweep to sweep a chimney.

Lorelai: Please. If Dick van Dyke can do it, so can Luke.

Rory: Luke is going to be very sorry he ever made this offer to you.

Lorelai: Hey, Luke has given me five free hours of handyman work for my birthday for the last five years.

Rory: And you have grossly exploited that gift every year for the past four years.

Lorelai: Well, I need to make up for that first year where I didn�t milk it like I should�ve.

Rory: The spirit of giving is completely lost on you.

Lorelai: But the spirit of getting is alive and well and it wants its chimney swept. Ooh, put down laundry, too.

Rory: Fine, then can he also build me another bookshelf?

Lorelai: I�ve never been prouder of you than I am right at this moment.

(the phone rings)

Rory: And tell him to paint little flowers on it.

Lorelai: �Cause he�s so good with the florals.

Lorelai: *eats a cookie from the table*

Luke: What the hell is this?

Lorelai: My birthday Mallomars.

Luke: She says like I should just know this.

Lorelai: Here�s your list. hands him a notepad

Luke: What�s wrong with the garbage disposal?

Lorelai: It�s not disposing.

Luke: *reaches into the sink and pulls out a spoon*

Luke: Next.

Lorelai: You�re so good *pulls a box of Mallomars out of the cupboard*

Luke: Did you ever consider the possibility of just pulling the spoon out yourself?

Lorelai: I did consider it, yes. Do you wanna start upstairs or down? �Cause there�s actually more to do upstairs this time for some reason.
*takes a Mallomar out of the box and puts it on the table*

Luke: What� d you just do?

Lorelai: What?

Luke: You put the cookie down.

Lorelai: Yeah.

Luke: You ate the cookie, and then you took a cookie out of the box and put it where the cookie you just ate was.

Lorelai: Yeah.

Luke: Well, that�s nuts.

Lorelai: Rory made this for me, I don�t wanna ruin it.

Luke: Then why� d you eat the cookie?

Lorelai: �Cause I wanted a Mallomar.

Luke: But why didn�t you just eat one out of the box?

Lorelai: �Cause this one was right here. The box was all the way in the cupboard.

Luke: But you had to go to the cupboard to get the box to replace the cookie you ate off the table.

Lorelai: So?

Luke: *gives Rory and Lorelai their burgers* Red meat kills, enjoy.

Lorelai: No, Mom, I'm shopping for Rory. You're shopping for your imaginary granddaughter, Barbara Hutton.

Emily: Well, let's sit everyone. This is just wonderful. An education is the most important thing in the world, next to family.

Lorelai: And pie. (silence) Joke, joke.

Lorelai: *holding up a coffee cup* What? It�s not for me. It�s for Rory, I swear.

Luke: You�re shameless.

Lorelai: Look, Officer Krupke, she�s right at that table right over there.

Lorelai: Hey, I had dibs on being the bitch tonight.

Rory: Just tonight?

Lorelai: What the hell's wrong with you?

Rory: So, Grandpa, how's the insurance biz?

Richard: Oh, people die, we pay. People crash cars, we pay. People lose a foot, we pay.

Lorelai: Well, at least you have your new slogan.

Richard: Rory. You're tall.

Rory: I guess.

Richard: Well, what's your height?

Rory: 5'7".

Richard: That's tall! She's tall.

Lorelai: Hi, Dad.

Richard: Lorelai. Your daughter's tall.

Lorelai: Oh, I know, it's freakish. We're thinking of having her studied at M.I.T.

Luke: Coffee...fries. I can't stand it. This is so unhealthy. Rory, please, put down that cup of coffee. You do not want to grow up to be like your mom.

Rory: Sorry, too late.

Lorelai: Michel, the phone.

Michel: Mm-hmm. It rings.

Lorelai: Can you answer it?

Michel: No. People are particularly stupid today. I can't talk to any more of them.

Lorelai: You know who's really nice to talk to? The people at the unemployment agency.

Michel: Independence Inn. Michel speaking.

Lorelai: Please, Luke. Please, please, please.

Luke: How many cups have you had this morning?

Lorelai: None.

Luke: Plus...

Lorelai: Five, but yours is better.

Luke: You have a problem.

Lorelai: Yes, I do.

Luke: Junkie.

Lorelai: Angel. You've got wings, baby.

Lorelai: So tell me about the guy.

Rory: Check, please.

Lorelai: No, really, are you embarrassed to bring him home?

Rory: I'm not embarrassed.

Lorelai: Does he talk at all?

Rory: No, Mom, he's a mime

Lorelai: I don't know what is wrong with me. This is a beautiful festival. People should be enjoying it.

Luke: It's a crazy festival based on a nutty myth about two lunatics who in all probability did not even exist and even if they did probably dropped dead of diphtheria before age 24. The town of Stars Hollow probably got its name from a local dance hall prostitute or two rich drunk guys who made up the story to make it look good on a poster.

Lorelai: You are full of hate and loathing and I got tell you, I love itl

Luke: It's so good to have someone to share this hate with.

Lorelai: My pleasure.

Luke: More coffee?

Lorelai: Yeah, please. Hey, tomorrow, if you have time, I'm planning on despising everyone who says, "Hey, how's it going?"

Luke: You're on.

(Rachel walks in and greets Luke)

Rachel: Hey, how's it going?

Lorelai: Oh, now, that's just too easy.

(dinner at Emily�s and Richard�s)

Lorelai: Mmm, kickass wine.

Emily: How poetic!

Lorelai: It�s got a nice smell. Earthy, vibrant, you can taste the Italian�s feet.

Richard: Well, it�s a Bordeaux, it�s French.

Lorelai: Ha, what�s an Italian�s foot doing in a French wine?

Taylor: When standards slip, families flee and in comes the seedy crowd. You got trouble, my friends.

Lorelai: Right here in River City!

Taylor: This is not funny, Lorelai.

Lorelai: Ok, how about this? I'll help you. I love to paint.

Luke: You do?

Lorelai: Yes, I do.

Luke: You love it?

Lorelai: I want to marry it.

Luke: You have strange passions.

Rory: She likes washing dishes too. She's multi-faceted abnormal.

Rory: Where are you going?

Lorelai: To Luke's. We're picking out paint colors tonight, so it's gonna be hours of "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no," until my world-famous perseverance wears him down and he winds up in a ball on the floor crying like a girl. Wanna come watch?

Lorelai: (To parents) Your both going to hell, I hope you realize that.

Richard: At least we'll be well rested.

Lorelai: Touche.

(after losing Rory�s chick, and now Babette�s kitten Apricot)

Lorelai: That's it! We are not animal people! Period.

Michel: It was a tiny little favor.

Sookie: We have had this discussion before, Michel.

Michel: You are being unreasonable.

Sookie: I have my standards.

Michel: But this is a simple request.

Sookie: You are asking me to compromise my artistic and my culinary values.

Lorelai: Michel wanted an egg white omelette.

Sookie: Yes.

Lorelai: Crazy man.

Michel: Why? Why am I crazy man? I didn't have time for breakfast this morning, so very nicely I asked her to make me an egg white omelette cooked very dry with some tomatoes, mushroom, maybe a little chives, and she gives me this.

Lorelai: What is this?

Sookie: A three egg omelette with goat cheese cooked in a sherry olive oil.

Michel: I don't eat dairy or meat. You know this.

Sookie: I am a chef, Michel. It is my job to make food that tastes good.

Lorelai: *eating the omelette* And you do sister!

Michel: But I can't eat like that and look like her. *gestures to Lorelai*

Lorelai: You don't know what you're missing.

Michel: That will kill you.

Lorelai: You gotta go someday.

Michel: But someday all of this will catch up with you. You will become the balloon lady, and with any luck I will be here to enjoy it.

*Michel stomps out.*

Lorelai: But you make a good egg white omelette.

Sookie: I know.

(after Richard and Emily complain about a man�s taste in furnishings)

Lorelai: Well he's dead now so he got his.

Emily: Lorelai, you're being morbid.

Lorelai: I'm being morbid?

Rory: New subject please!

Lorelai: Joan and Melissa Rivers here think I'm being morbid.

Lorelai: (pause) Well. We've decided to give up on that pesky Harvard dream and focus on something more realistic. Mom, Dad, Rory's decided to become a maid, just like I was.

Emily: Is that funny? Did she think that was funny?

Richard: What would have possessed you to say such a thing?

Emily: And in front of Rory?

Lorelai: I was kidding.

Emily: God. My heart stopped.

(As they get to the market, they hear a motorcycle and turn around to look.)

Taylor: Damn motorcycles, they're a scourge.

Rory: Yeah.

Lorelai: Yeah.

Taylor: They're loud, they're dangerous. We should ban them from town.

Lorelai: Maybe we should set up barricades and ban all unwelcome strangers from crossing the border.

Taylor: Well! Well, no we couldn't do that, that would be illegal.

Lorelai: Darn laws.

Lorelai: Kill me and bury me with that bike.

Rory: What is it? A Harley?

Lorelai: That is a 2000 Indian, 80 horsepower, 5 speed close ratio Andrews transmission and I want to get one.

Rory: No.

Lorelai: Why not?

Rory: You'd die.

Lorelai: Oh, that.

(while writing pro/con lists for Princeton, Yale and Harvard)

Lorelai: Oh, a big pro for Yale � they have 1100 members of the maintenance staff. Clean, clean, clean.

Rory: All three of these places probably have the same number.

Lorelai: But Yale must be crowing about it for some reason. Princeton might only have two.

Rory: Two?

Lorelai: Yeah.

Rory: You think there're a total of two guys cleaning all of Princeton?

Lorelai: Write "Princeton's stinking filthy" in big letters.

Rory: Yeah, I'm pretending to write it as we speak.

(Kirk is selling t-shirts)

Kirk: They're $14.95. How many can I put you down for?

Luke: No solicitors, Kirk.

Kirk: How about if I cut you in for a piece of the action?

Luke: How about I toss the shirts out the door first so you can have something to land on?

Kirk: Got it. *walks away*

Jess: Someone egged my car.

Luke: Geez, it stinks.

Jess: It�s gonna take me forever to clean this up.

Luke: These eggs are cooked.

Jess: What?

Luke: They�re not raw eggs. They look like. . . deviled eggs.

Jess: Someone devil-egged my car?

Luke: Well, that is paprika.

Jess: Someone prepared deviled eggs to throw at my car?

Luke: Man, they must hate you a lot. Hey, maybe it was the guy in the garden department.

Jess: I�m gonna go get something to clean this up.

Luke: Or maybe it was the assistant night manager. You guys have words in the snack room?

(There�s a town meeting going on)

Taylor: The bottom line is that too many birds are landing atop the street lights and relieving themselves on helpless passersby. And I dare say that some of these birds seem to be doing it on purpose.

Babette: You get dumped on, Taylor?

Taylor: It�s not just me. . .

Luke: Hey, if anybody has a picture of Taylor getting dumped on, I�ll pay top dollar.

Kirk: I�ll check the internet.

Miss Patty: Taylor, all animals have to...you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?

Taylor: Easy. Put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures, then when they land, pow - they�re shish-kabobs.

Rory: That�s cruel.

Babette: You can�t do that.

Andrew: I�d rather have bird crap fall on my head.

Lorelai: There it is - our new town slogan.

Rory: I like it.

Lorelai: I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.

Rory: Don�t forget stuffed shish-kabobbed birds.

Lorelai: That moan when you squeeze �em!

(Lorelai and Rory pull up in front of Sherry�s house. There are green balloons out front)

Lorelai: This must be the place.

Rory: I think the balloons confirm it.

Lorelai: No pink, no blue.

Rory: All green.

Lorelai: Aren�t baby shower balloons supposed to reflect the sex of the baby? Blue for boys, pink for girls.

Rory: You would think.

Lorelai: What�s green for, aliens?

Rory: I�ll ask when I go in.