If you don't like your job, you don't strike, that's the French way! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way.
Press any key to continue... Wait, where's the any key?
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
The latest new dance craze is called, "The Politician." It's two steps forward, one step backward, and then a sidestep.
Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.
If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.
Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
If you can't fix it with duck tape you haven't used enough.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
The only way to get ideas for stories is to drink way too much coffee and buy a desk that doesn't collapse when you beat your head against it.
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Electrons are very, very small, but they can gang up and hurt you.
When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Who are you and how did you get in here?!
I'm a locksmith, and... I'm a locksmith...
I never said he was stupid, but I also never said he wasn't.
I knew something was wrong when my imaginary friends stopped talking to me again.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
A learning experience is one of those things that says, 'You know that thing you just did? Don’t do it.'
Great minds roll in the same gutter.
If you make every game a life and death proposition, you're going to have problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot.
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until they open their mouth.
War is God's way of teaching humans about geography.
I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall be quick and painless.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
"Good morning" is a contradiction in its own terms.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.
At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 'S' in it?
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
You know how people say that you can either look at life like a glass half full or half empty? Well, my life is always the exception. My mug is always half empty. And cracked. And the broken handle scraped my hand. And it split my lip. Last I checked, I think it chipped my tooth, too.
An informed civilian panics more intelligently.
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
I take it back. You do not have issues, you have subscriptions.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Any system that depends on human reliability is unreliable.
I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.
Change is good, but dollars are better.
Don't worry too much about what people think, because they seldom do.
A 2nd flood, a simple famine, a plague of lucusts everywhere, or a cataclysmic earthquake, I'd accept with some despair. But no, you send us Congress! Good god sir, was that fair?!
The longest word in the english language is the one that follows the phrase, 'And now a word from our sponsor'.
This is either a forgery or a damn clever original.
Two people getting together to write a book is like three people getting together to have a baby. One of them is superfluous.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
It's not the people who are in prison that worry me. It's the people who aren't.
When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.
The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip.
Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I've got a phone, answer machine, TV set, computer, hand grenade - everything you need to run a business in Los Angeles.
I once got sacked for laughing ... mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades
Your friends will wipe your tears after a boy rejects you. My friends will go up to him and say "It's because you're gay, isn't it?
There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google.
If you have something to say, raise your hand. Then place it over your mouth.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
Someday your prince will come. Mine took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that's really where you wish they were.
Strike while your employer has a big contract.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things.
I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean.
From now on, ending a sentence in a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
Never get in an argument with a schizophrenic and say, 'Who do you think you are?!'
I ran three blocks on ice to reach a stupid train station and didn't fall once. I WALKED home and tripped over my feet!
So you find the breach, the sphere comes through. Six hundred feet above London, BAM! It tears a hole in the fabric of reality. Now this hole do you think, "ooh shall we leave it alone? Shall we back off play it safe?" Nah you think, "Let's make it BIGGER!"
Lady, I speak two languages: english... and bad english!
It's impossible to discourage the real writers. They don't care what you say or do, they're going to write.
What the spouse of a writer can never understand is that a writer is working when they're staring out the window.
Mr. Madison. What you've just said...is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Will power is eating just one salted peanut.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.
Nothing is free, not even revenge.
It is a pleasure to give advice, humiliating to need it, normal to ignore it.
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar
All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day.
It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed..
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Why do women always scream when they're surprised? Can't you just clutch your heart and drop dead like a man?
If they say TV's so bad for you then why do they have one in every hospital room?
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.
Life with men is like a deck of cards.... You need a Heart to love them, a Diamond to marry them, a Club to beat them, and a Spade to bury the bastards.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
I miss my ex-boyfriend... But my aim is improving.
Sorry, I'm outside trying to see what happens when you add every acid together plus gasoline and fire! If you see lots of dark smoke or hear a big boom please send for help! Thanks!
Be back soon. Me and the goats are going to burn people.
We are all born cold, wet, and hungry... Then things get worse.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
You have just received the Amish Computer Virus. Since the Amish don't have computers, it is based on the honor system. So please delete all the files from your computer. Thank you for you cooperation.
Imagine, if you will, a world without hypothetical situations.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
God made men first because you always make a roughdraft before a masterpeice.
I was standing in the park, wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer. Then it hit me.
Homework: (Noun) a punishment given to students by evil teachers after the students have already put in 7 hours of hard labor. (See evil, torture, wrong, cruel, unjust, satan, crap)
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive...
If life throws you lemons, find someone that has had life throw them vodka, and have a party.
I'm on a mission to save the world (I can't believe they trusted me with this).
If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?
Hello. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are, where you are from, and what you want so there is no need to leave a message
I only have PMS on days that end in the letter "y".
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning, and doesn't stop until you get to the office.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper.
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.
The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
I like talking to a brick wall, it's the only thing in the world that never contradicts me.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
I can resist everything except temptation.
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Man has will, but woman has her way.
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children and drunks.
Facts and truth really don't have much to do with each other.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not Eureka! (I found it!) but 'That's funny...'
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
The trouble with referees is that they know the rules, but they do not know the game.
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
My kid is a born doctor. Nobody can read anything he writes.
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
Truth is sacred and if you tell the truth too often nobody will believe it.
Newspapers are unable, seemingly to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilization.
The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I would never die for my beliefs, because I might be wrong.
A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.
Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so.
Suicide is cheating the doctor's out of a job.
Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.
Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.
Let's have some new cliches.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
When you become senile, you won't know it.
Sin. Repent. Repeat.
I'm a mother. Whining, crying and pouting don't work with me.
I've upped my standards. Now up yours.
Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Walk with those who seek the truth. Run from those who think they've found it.
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day!
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Everything in this room is eatable. Even I'm eatable, but that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
The most important thing in acting is honesty. And if you can fake that, you got it made.
Right now, I'd like to put his head in a bucket of paste until the bubbles stop.
One time I was riding an escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
SAVE THE EARTH! It's the only planet with CHOCOLATE!
I stopped fighting with my inner Demons. We're on the same side, now.
The truth shall set you free ... But first it'll piss you off.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
If you can't laugh at yourself, I'd be happy to do it for you.
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel ... just pray it isn't an oncoming train ...
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!
I reject your reality and substitute it with my own!
I'm so sorry if my agonizing pain is inconviencing you!
Who do you think would win in a fight-a Lord of the Rings fan or a Star Wars fan? I heard they roam around in gangs and are like, "May the force be with you!" and "No! Frodo lives!" And then they fight.
I got a cactus once. About a week later, it died. And I got all depressed, cause I'm like, "Damn, I'm less nurturing than a DESERT!"
How, pray tell, do you NOT notice when your King looks like he died a couple of months ago?
Never let normality get in the way of fun.
You know, for as long as I can remember, I've had memories.
Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Some days it's not even worth chewing through the restraints...
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Closed minds always seem to be connected to open mouths.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?!
Before giving someone a piece of mind, be sure you have enough to spare!
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I have gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait!
Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go!
I'm not paranoid! Which one of my enemies told you this?
I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.
Quitters never win, and winners never quit. But those who never quit AND never win are idiots.
I swear to drunk officer I'm not God!
Someone told me to get a life, but I'm not sure where to download that from.
There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.
Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
Come to the dark side. We have cookies.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Suicide hotline, please hold.
If it weren't for physics, and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.
If at first you don't succeed, erase all evidence that you tried.
The voices in my head say you have serious issues.
If you love it, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, hunt it down and shoot it.
There's only two people I trust. One of them is me. The other's not you.
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.
Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
A poor memory is not the same thing as a clear conscience.
Annoy a politician, think for yourself.
I'm not mean, I'm just selfish.
Frodo has failed! Bush has the ring!
I didn't say it was your fault! I just said I was going to blame you!
I don't sink to that low of a level! I sink lower!*
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving ain't for you.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Comfort the disturbed. Disturb the comfortable.
Change is good. You go first.
Admit nothing. Deny everything. Make counter accusations.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, then lie.
Your village called. They want their idiot back.
I'm not good at empathy, will you settle for sarcasm?
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
Question authority and the Authorities will question you.
Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Welcome to my world. Now go home.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
I'm gonna live forever! (or die trying!)
2 wrongs are just the beginning...
You're only young once, but you can be immature forver!
My doctor told me I have multiple personalities, but we don't agree with him.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught!
Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Four years ago...No, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I...No, I don't.
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it..."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
How young can you die of old age?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded!!"
What happens if you get scared to death twice?
